Breitenbush - Summer '09: the bad

There was only one 'bad' incident at the gathering, but it has stayed with me. It came in the last hour of the last day, while Raven and Rainbow Strongheart, my travel companions, were taking their last dips in the meadow ponds and I was folding items of clothing and accessories that had been left behind in the lobby by negligent Faes.

Passion, a handsome Fae from Hawaii who had spent an afternoon cuddling with me, came up from behind me to give me a dress from his recently-deceased mother's wardrobe. At first he just held it up to the back of my waistband to see if it was the right size. As I continued folding, he reached around me and hugged me from behind, making it impossible for me to stand up straight. By bending me forward it was all I could do to keep my balance as my lower back has lost most of its strength.

Suddenly he nudged me forward and I had to catch the counter in front of me as I fell forward. He claims he was bumped from behind, but no matter. I asked him to let me straighten myself up so I could stand again. He replied, don't worry - I've got you. I repeated that I needed to stand up. He answered that he wouldn't let me fall but he didn't back off at all. Raising my voice, I demanded that he let go of me. Again, he did not respect my request and only insisted "I've got you. Don't worry!"

Finally, as he was leaning over me pressing his weight on my back, my arms gave out and I fell to the floor. He stopped me from hitting the floor hard, his arms still clutching me around the waist, but I was helpless. I screamed at him, full of fury, to fuck off and let go of me, but still he didn't budge. Rage and panic choked my words and I hung there, resting on one knee and unable to escape his hold.

After half a minute of silence he asked me what I wanted to do now. I replied that I wasn't able to do anything as long as he was preventing me from moving. He asked if I wanted to stand. I said that would be nice. Good thing I stopped you from falling hard, he says. I felt like slugging him in the face, but instead I pointed out that he had caused me to fall, that I was doing fine until he came along. "You've got to learn to let people help you!" he scolded me. I told him I'd do much better without his 'help'. At least I'd still be upright.

Passion was in a frail emotional state, having just scattered his mother's ashes on his home property a couple weeks before. I saw he was on the verge of tears as he hugged me tightly to him while lecturing me on accepting help. Even though I was still shaking and very upset I tried to calm him down and reassure him that I had appreciated meeting him and the time we spent together earlier in the weekend. If I hadn't he might have become more worked up than he already was.

As soon as he released me, which took yet another minute, I tottered to a chair in the lounge and sat down. I was already exhausted from lack of sleep and now emotionally drained. On the way to Portland, riding in the front passenger seat of Rainbow Strongheart's car, I realized I had mildly strained muscles in both of my lower legs in my struggle and they ached in whatever position I put them. That night, sleeping in my host's spare bed in Portland, I had a nightmare where I relived that entire exchange almost verbatim in my sleep. I woke up in an angry, panicky sweat and couldn't get back to sleep for a couple hours.

For the past three days I have had lots of anger towards Passion cropping up whenever I think of what he did. I had hoped all weekend that we would remain friends and that he'd come to visit me in Vancouver, but now I am almost afraid to see him again. The pain in my lower legs is almost gone, but my left foot still aches when I lie down to sleep.

Sometimes a friend can be your worst enemy.