Processing disappointment

My challenge is this: share with Michal my disappointment with losing my vacation in Utah without losing my temper and damaging our friendship, which I value highly. I told myself a week ago I would just pretend that he never made an offer to travel with me and everything was as it was before. But my feelings have been manifestering and putrefying into resentments and anger since then. I have also felt quite lonely and sad, not to mention betrayed. I am afraid of expressing these feelings to him out of fear of ruining any travels and laughs I might share with him in the future. But I cannot let it pass without communicating something to him because my trust in him has been damaged.

I mentioned my corundum to a friend at Faerie Coffee this morning. He suggested a formula he uses to deal with such situations. It involves four rules: the first is to stick to the facts when speaking to him ("I understood we had a firm agreement to vacation on the Apr 24-26 weekend. You knew I had booked vacation time for the Friday. You then offered out-of-town friends to visit you at home that weekend without speaking to me first, even though there is little likelihood of them being able to do so. On March 28th you promised to call me back within a few hours to confirm a replacement weekend and half a month has passed since then.")

The second rule is to share about the judgments I have made as a result of his actions. ("I have the impression that a vacation with me is very low on your priority list." "I doubt your sincerity when you say that you still really want to go to Utah with me." "I don't believe you will follow through when you give me your word.")

The third is to communicate my feelings about the situation. ("I have felt disappointed, hurt, lonely, sad and depressed, not to mention angry and feeling betrayed.")

The fourth is to reach for a solution by clarifying what he would need to do to restore my confidence in his friendship and right the situation. This part I am still working on. ("I need you to keep your commitments to me when you make them." "I need you to speak with me before you act if a situation arises that makes it preferable to you to change our plans." "I need you to buy the fucking airline tickets with your own money before I book my vacation time again.")

There. Said with such simple detachment and elegance......


"Go, and never darken my towels again!" - Groucho Marx