So, I am really on my own. It feels strange. I need to determine how long I will stay in Amsterdam, but it feels much freer now that the decision is completely my own. It won't be today as there are still a couple things I need to do. The first is to call Johannes to see when he wants to meet today. He is still in bed at 11 so I tell him I'll call back at 3. Marc asks me to join him and Fio for a nude swim at a
public pool at 4. It sounds fun as I like nude events and I have never done this before, but I have to keep my schedule open to meet with Johannes. I fill the middle part of the day with a visit to the Van Gogh Museum. I quite enjoy it since van Gogh's work has always impressed me. There is a show on there on how Japanese prints influenced his art style, an insight that is totally new to me. It is augmented by several letters to his brother Theo describing his passion and awe for the Japanese prints he has collected.
At 3 I call Johannes from the museum and he set our meeting for the Downtown Café at 4. Johannes is a few minutes late. I am happy to see him again and ready to throw my arms around him. He's feeling down though, over a letter from a former boyfriend who has returned to Finland. Johannes is hung up on him and says his boyfriend’s letter comes across as apathetic. I am touched that Johannes is sharing his feelings of loss with me. His loss reflects on my recent disappointment in the lack of interest shown by the guy I was dating when I left Toronto. We walk for a long time not saying much, and then stop for a drink in a sidewalk café. Later, he takes me out for a fine vegetarian meal. I misinterpret his kindness and openness as an invitation to be more intimate. I ask if I can spend tonight with him, to sleep in his arms, but he isn't interested. He needs space to be alone.
Something feels off about his story though, perhaps something he does not want to share. I find myself wondering if he made up the story about the letter as an excuse
for keeping me at a distance. He wants to go to a squatters club called the Trut tonight, an underground rave. He invites me to come along as a last minute consideration. He says he'll consider my offer of spending the night together and tell me at the evening, but the way he says it I already know the answer will be no. I would not consider showing up at the Trut, except that Marc and Fio have also invited me to meet them there. Marc bartends for the Trut for free, just to have guaranteed access, and Fio gets in because he's Marc's man. They warn me though that it fills up fast and that I should be there early or else expect to wait in a very long line-up. Not knowing when the line-up starts, I go quite early, while it is still half empty. I have never liked bars, especially crowded ones. The noise and
confusion make me uncomfortable. And it is a bar for friends who know each other. Strangers are generally ignored unless, I suppose, they are irresistibly hot, which I am definitely not. The club looks just as I imagined it should, an underground, cavernous brick space that could be a gutted Hydro sub-station. It is soon crammed to the rafters, loud and smoky. I wait for Johannes so that our charade can come to its pre-determined conclusion. He finds me, but it's too loud to talk. He stays with me, or at least beside me out of some awkward sense of chivalry or a fear of appearing callous. I am not stoned like most of the crowd, and neither of us wants to dance. After standing idly for most of an hour, I excuse myself to walk around. Marc is too busy bartending and Fio says he is not in a good emotional space when I find him, so I leave alone around 1:30.
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