Winter

Dear T---,

Although I have never had a long term relationship like yours, and not a short-term one in more than a decade either, I do know what it must feel like to go through the misery you are tormented by. I do know the loss and the immense loneliness that comes with it.

As I see it, you are sensing the obvious, that the relationship you have known and have invested so much in is gone forever. It cannot be repaired and returned to the way it once was. It has evolved and you are not prepared to evolve with it, not if that means loss of intimacy and B--- not nurturing you. But you have lost that side of the relationship already and B--- does not have the strength or faith to love even himself. He seems very frightened to lose you because he believes he does not have the strength to make it on his own. He is probably saddened that he cannot love you back as he once could.

Like B---, I too am on that slippery slope towards Death. Even an improvement in my strength will be temporary as the aging process takes over. If I do stage a recovery it might last for a few years, but it will be no more than a reprieve. Only Death is certain. My mortality terrifies me.

My circumstances with my muscular dystrophy seem cruel and severe to most of my friends, and to me too, but in one way life has been extremely kind to me: it has given me two decades to get used to the idea of Death, and may even give me two or three more.

When I was a young teenager, perhaps about 13 or so, I wondered a lot about how I would die. Most people said they hoped to die quickly but I knew even then that I would need a lot of time to grow accustomed to the idea. I knew too that contemplation of Death is one of the greatest opportunities in life to grow spiritually. Life has answered my prayers and given me this wonderful (but painful) opportunity to maximize my spiritual growth and I do not intend to waste it.

B--- is extremely lucky to have you to support him as the transition approaches. You will be there for him in the time of his greatest need. You are not like my partner who fled to the hills as soon as he heard of my diagnosis of muscular dystrophy, but perhaps that is because I am stronger than B--- and can manage the voyage on my own. I have often felt like a scared child, wishing and begging for someone to comfort me as the waters grown rougher, but even in this state I know that no one else can do much to help me. I must find my own courage and learn on my own to trust the process. There is simply no other option.

In return for your support, B--- will teach you how to die, what it means to decay and lose all that you have loved about life. This may be the only way he can "be there" for you when you start to die, by showing you the way, even if he cannot do it with dignity in the end. To care for him and give him support will strengthen you for when your time comes.

This is not about whether or not he enjoys the leather scene or him not caring about you enough. You need to let go of feeling rejected and deserted and take care of your own physical and emotional needs elsewhere. You will need your strength as his health grows worse. As the English say, you have not seen the forest for all the trees in the way. It is a bigger situation than how you have described it. It will help you greatly to see the bigger picture.

I am not sure if you were asking my advice and, if so, if you are prepared to hear what I am saying, but it will be a mistake to leave him now. You would never forgive yourself. But please take my advice and look for nurturing elsewhere while you nurture him. For your own good as well as his.

all my love, Ken