Of Gimps and Golden Boys

I met Rosario at a PCAN party at Jose C's place at the end of November. I was impressed by his openness, playfulness and kindness, not to mention that he was handsome and had a lean, lithe body that would undoubtedly feel wonderful to hold. He held my hand as we danced, his eyes filled with compassion and acceptance when he looked at me. I was fascinated by him.

Last Wednesday he hosted Heart Circle at his home in Surrey. Dennis, another Golden Boy who fascinates me, drove me there as it would otherwise be an hour on transit each way. Rosario met us in the parking lot of his building and kept his arm around me as he helped me up the driveway to the entrance, first to give me strength and later, as the ground leveled out, just to stay close with me.

The Heart Circle was especially wonderful. There were 10 of us: Fierce Heart, Danzante, Frank, Edward, Stitch, Dennis, Phoenix (visiting from Amsterdam), Foxtail, Rosario and I. There were many powerful things shared - losses, life changes, fears, betrayals, discoveries, family issues, love interests - the things that make Heart Circles the most sacred of all Faerie activities. I sat between Dennis and Frank, both of whom invited touch and closeness. After the Circle was closed, we lingered the better part of an hour sharing insights on gay identity and other topics. By the end of the evening I felt blessed and loved.

As we were saying our goodbyes, I hugged Rosario and kissed him twice on the lips. We pressed our heads together and I rubbed my forehead against his head affectionately. He was open and receptive throughout and promised to get together with me sometime soon. I floated out on a cloud.

It has been a while since I have allowed myself to be so open to a romantic involvement, perhaps because it has been years since anyone has seemed remotely interested in me romantically. I was not sure Rosario felt any such attraction but his affection and receptivity led me on to think it was possible. I had shared in Circle that I needed affection and touch in my life and wanted to be open to more this year, and my new-found feelings or Rosario fit right into this.

I didn't want to call him again right away. I wanted to think it over and give him time to too. The following two nights I found it difficult to sleep as I fantasized about holding him and wallowing in his attentions. They weren't really sexual imaginings, more pre-sexual since just being held is the nurturing I need right now.

After the second night I woke with the conviction that my feelings for him were of the highest intention and truly wonderful. I felt I could convey them honestly, with an offer to spend a night together without sounding like a beggar or a thief. I lost some of that morning clarity after another grueling day on the phones, but it was Friday, Renan had just moved out and it seemed a perfect time to invite him to spend a night together.

At first I got his voice mail so I left a message. I got a response two hours later. he hadn't intended to call. He had accidentally bumped the response button on his cell while unloading his car and had no idea I had left him a message. He was still in his parking lot and said he would call me back when he got settled inside. He didn't call me back for two hours as he answered several other messages before returning mine.

I had lost some confidence in the waiting as my old doubts settled back into place. Still, I told him I would love to be a closer friend and said I would love sometime to spend a night together, having by then given up on the present evening. He told me he didn't feel any spark towards me, and then, to soften the blow, he gave the typical explanation that he wasn't in a sexual space at the time, yadda yadda. I did my best to listen and stay open as I felt my ego hemorrhaging under the surface of our conversation.

I told him I wasn't looking for sex either, that accessing my libido would be like prying off the dried on lid of an old paint can, but that holding and touching would be very nurturing for me. He shared that he had done that in platonic friendships in California before, but he was relating a distant memory, not a shared intention. He said he might be open to non-sexual cuddling at sometime in the future, a crumpled offering in place of something substantial, perhaps a way to back out of an awkward conversation.

Even though it felt like an apology, his honesty seems intact. It is logical that I'd be attracted to such a Golden Boy, watching his life open up in a new world (he moved from L.A. to Vancouver a year ago and very happy with his move) and hearing how he is doing the cycling, hiking and exploring that once gave me so much joy. I don't feel envy, but would like to be near him to support and add to that joy.

But Golden Boys and Gimps don't usually come together like that. I can't do the things with them that they would want a partner to share, not anymore. Rosario has not yet made any attempt to reach out to me as a friend and I doubt he ever will after this. It is the same with Dennis, another Golden Boy, who said at my Heart Circle in November he wants to be closer friends with me and who last month muttered "Sweet man" to me at the close of a phone conversation. He let me sit with my arm around him in Heart Circle and even returned the gesture for a short while. He hugs me and lets me kiss his neck, but he has never yet accepted my invitation to play a game of Settlers of Catan (he says he loves the game) or to go to dinner with him. Those offers have been outstanding for three months and he hasn't even initiated a phone conversation with me.

That is the way of Golden Boys. They like the flattery but pull away to keep their distance after their egos have been stroked, for fear that they will either have to lie to return the favour and then endure my unwanted attentions or that they will have to be blunt and hurtful. Inevitably they will avoid me completely if they sense that I continue to harbour any attraction towards them, which is why I will never tell Dennis I am attracted to him or ask him to hold me. That is also why I will not call either of them again unless they call me. My ego feels a little bruised but I will not indulge in self-pity. I am getting over the hurt quickly. I am used to rejection by now.