Kal-loween

The weather forecast shows rain every day from here to eternity, but it's not that bad. Rain is a no-brainer during our wettest month of the year, but the rain we have been having is quite light and intermittent. Halloween evening was surprisingly dry, as was today even though it rained before I woke up. That evening, I walked with my friend Kal to his place and he made me an incredible curried lentil soup. Gawd, it was good. They say a way to a man's heart is through his stomach--though I once thought that was just for men into fisting. His place is really hot too, but he has unfortunately had to put it on the market so I might not see it much before he moves.

After dinner and two bottles of wine we walked 20 min back to my place which is beside the gay village. After a short pit stop we went to The Fountainhead Pub, which is a mixed gay/straight pub almost next door. We figured we'd just stay in one place and let those in costumes come to us, as the ones who have the most elaborate costumes are usually into parading (not unlike a Radical Faerie gathering).

Kal had been invited to a party on the far side of the West End and decided he'd prefer not go all that way just to come back again. Sure enough the host David and three friends showed up in costume (a clown, Elvira, a cowboy and a 70s disco stud). They chided Kal for not showing up but then when they met me they said they understood that he had distracting company--a flattering compliment that made me blush as I don't see myself as attractive.

Kal was hanging onto me, hugging and kissing me and proclaiming in front of his friends how much he loved me, though our relationship has been strictly platonic until now. I met him many years ago when we worked together and at that time he was strictly straight and busy raising children. A year ago when his marriage dissolved he began the process of coming out and we have gradually begun renewing and strengthening a friendship. That evening was the first time I visited his place and the first time we sharing so much in depth about our past loves, etc. So even I was questioning where our friendship was headed by the end of the evening, since earlier in the evening he had suggested that next weekend I should visit again and sleep over so we could drink as much as we wanted without worrying if I could make it home again on my wobbly legs.

When he went to the washroom his friend David questioned me if there was something between us or if I wanted there to be. He was trying to sell me on Kal, though that was not a hard sell as Kal has so many talents and qualities that compliment his good looks. David was obviously trying to incorporate me into Kal's circle of good friends not just for that evening but in the future too. When Kal returned they all begged me to come with them to the Oasis Pub up the street. I was flattered again but I left them and returned home alone. I was shy about having his friends see me struggling pathetically up the stairs to the pub. I hate my disability to be the first and most memorable aspect about me when I meet other people, but I was also tired from lack of sleep the night before and from the wine I shared at Kal's place. He holds his alcohol much better than I do.

I have become horridly shy and protective over the past few years after convincing myself that a man over 50 with an obvious disability is totally unmarketable in the gay community. I have focused on building and maintaining friendships in lieu of anything more intimate. Kal really does like me and doesn't want to close the door to something more intimate between us. Neither do I, though it will take some time to relax enough let down my walls. I still feel horribly inadequate, which I need to let go of before a relationship would work. Fortunately I think Kal needs as much time as I do as he is also not really ready to commit. It's also a difficult choice to make too I suspect as at least for the present my condition continues to deteriorate. Without a treatment or cure I probably will not be able to walk much beyond the next two years.

But with a treatment around the corner, probably, and many of my debts paid off recently I am definitely feeling a positive change in the air. Maybe love will be part of that positive change. :o)