The Shopping Channel

I haven't dated for eons. The thought of rejection pains me. Being over 50 and with an undisguisable disability, I am very much prone to rejection. There are many types of "alternative attractiveness" in gay circles, but weakness is never an element of any of them, except for perhaps for those who need their objects of affection to be powerless and dependent. My last bf couldn't stand to hold me after my diagnosis and I've had some pretty heavy-handed and defensive reactions since then when I let it be known that I found another guy attractive.

But one never knows, right? I didn't want to prejudice my dating chances by never trying again. My challenge is where to look for a potential partner. I used to love hiking, cycling and other outdoor activities, but that's out. Physically-focused environments, like gay saunas, only emphasize my disability. Besides, I can't get into most of them because of the stairs and I have also lost the taste for casual sex. (I can't get into them that way either!) I hate the noise and confusion of bars, and my reception to alcohol is not much warmer. Besides, it's discouraging to see mostly the same faces again when I do visit every two or three months. I would not find much in common with a bar fly.

That leaves dating services and chat lines. I'm not ready to pay big bucks for an unlikely success (people don't pay extra to be matched with a gimp) so that leaves chat lines. I've tried them before, both Internet and phone lines, so I am not a virgin, but I have rarely made any memorable connections though them, at least not positive ones. But that was years ago. My virginity had almost grown back.

Saturday I bit the bullet and signed onto gay.com. I created a profile, pictures and all, with all the info sections filled in (what I am like, my interests and hobbies, what I am looking for, etc), and emphasizing friendship first. I said I was looking for someone heart-centered with good communication skills. Then I spent a couple empty hours on the chat rooms.

I probably don't need to describe what they are like, but I will. There may be 100 men signed on in a chat room but rarely are more than 4 or 5 of them "chatting", and nothing much is said other than mild chiding between those who know each other and what I call foreshadowing to foreplay. The rest of the action is invisible, where the silent men signed on are exchanging instant messages restlessly looking for sexual hook-ups or something stronger. Some are addicted to sex, some to infatuation and others to anticipation. "Regular" guys fall into one of these 3 categories. Very few of the men in the chat room had entered information about themselves other than their basic stats and 40% didn't bother with a picture either. If they had communication skills, they certainly weren't about to use them.

Just for fun (and I told myself I would have fun in spite of my chances of success), after making inane chatter with a few others for 15 minutes, I asked if anyone would like to play a board game. That raised a few questions but it was clear the thought of actually meeting someone was altogether too dangerous or distasteful to consider. One fellow sent me an instant message and complained about how hard it was to meet anyone in Vancouver. He was a foreign visitor so I took pity on him and suggested we meet, but nothing I suggested seemed to work for him, though a couple minutes later he was back in the chat room making similar and equally unsuccessful offers to others.

That night as I lay in bed I had an adverse, almost-phobic reaction to the whole experience. I was furious with myself for having wasted so much time. The thought of going back on was repugnant to me. I had to force myself not to think about it. The next morning, I was fine. I thought I'd try again to see of the early Sunday morning chatters were any different. In fact, with one exception, it was exactly the same small group of chatters who were on the night before.

Beam me up, Scottie. It's time to leave this place.