Letting go.....

Over the past summer several of my closest friends seem to have dropped off the face of the earth. One couple decided to move back to Tennessee to live in a tent in the woods on the side of a mountain in communicato, away from the trappings of modern life. A friend of theirs we shared in common stopped visiting after they left. Another moved up the coast 3 months ago and hasn't answered my e-mails or phone calls since, but he still finds the time to e-mail jokes to his group mailing list so at least I know he's alive. And another good friend has been consumed by a new house, a new marriage, a new job and a new baby boy-- a combination that would definitely kill me!

To make matters worse I also felt it necessary at this time to terminate a long standing friendship with an oversees friend who was once very dear to me but who had become increasingly disinterested and inconsiderate. It was a painful but long overdue decision. Last spring he told me he is still worried that someone might find out that he has a friend in Vancouver, as if our friendship itself is an embarrassment to him even though he has come out to his family and has had bfs who have met his family.

I suggested we spend a couple weeks to reacquaint ourselves last summer, hoping this would help cement our friendship and make it seem less of a threat, which is retrospect sounds rather forgiving of me. I even magnanimously offered to pay his airfare from Europe. But after waiting for over half a year to get an answer to my offer, I had a pain in my chest growing like a cancer. I decided to take action so my situation would not feel so pathetic. I deleted his e-mail address and saved messages so that I would have no way of writing to him until he wrote to me again. Next week I was planning to have my e-mail address changed too. He probably hasn't kept my address and he wouldn't likely write a real letter anyway, so e-mail is the only way he has to contact me.

Then 2 days ago I received a newsy, unconscious e-mail from him with no reference to my ignored offer. I pondered which I should do; write back to him but come off cool and disenchanted, tear his head off by recounting past injustices, give a sarcastic response making accusing inferences, make him wait 7 months like I did for a response or simply never respond at all. In the end my wiser side won out. I wrote him a strong letter describing how upset I had been and how our friendship won't continue if he continues to be ashamed of it. Duh!

All of this has left quite a hole in my chest that lets the cold autumn winds whistle around my heart, so to speak. Nothing seems to warm me up and life feels empty. I guess I need to look at the autumn winds as part of a healing process and learn to let go of those people and things I am holding onto that no longer add to my life--like letting go of autumn leaves. I want to feel less needy. Actually, I haven't felt this needy in years, since the late 90s in the 2 years following the news that I had degenerative muscular dystrophy and there was no treatment. The depression isn't so deep this time. I can and will pull myself out of it as I adjust to my changing situation.

I have tallied up my list of closest friends and I have more living out of town now than ones who live convenient visiting distance from me. That needs to change! I have to get out more and maybe even try Internet dating -- a true Halloween nightmare to a man over 50 with an obvious disability. I have to look for other groups too, just for the social contacts. It's friendships I would be seeking mostly, not sexual contacts, though.....

Tomorrow night I will attend a "Men In Touch" event organized by Sequoia (a healing touch specialist) and Alfred dePew (a management consultant) that will an evening of learning and building intimacy. My mind and heart are open to it. I just hope the exercises aren't going to be physically impossible or awkward for me to do. I hate being an imposition to a group.