20 years ago today - Day 136

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Wednesday, July 17th - third day in Berlin

It has been another liberating night of bed-hopping. I am beginning to feel like a slut, but I suppose if I do it for a week after a long sexual fast it doesn't really count. That's what I am telling myself this morning.

Lutz is nothing like Thomas, other than his age. He's not into revolving door sex. He's someone I would like to keep in touch with even after I leave town. He works as a concierge in a 5-star hotel, The Grand, in East Berlin. Everything about him from his apartment, his dress and the way he speaks and thinks says "class". His apartment is actually two apartments combined into one magnificent space, painted white to make the most of the nine large windows facing in all four directions. It is well-located, but East Berlin, being generally in disrepair, is still cheaper than West Berlin. He moved here for that reason as soon as the wall fell. He was a friend of Leonard Berstein's and pictures of the composer are hung around the apartment.


This is my first time in former East Berlin. I realize for the first time that it includes the true, geographic core of the city and most of the finer, classic architecture. Lutz's street ends at the Berlin Wall, the only small section of the wall left standing. He tells me that when the people of Berlin started to tear down the wall a year and a half ago, they did it with great speed and fervour, like some great cathartic release. The city government had to step in to preserve the last remnant of the wall for historic purposes. Berlin is a marvelous city full of magic, but the most important historic monuments have been created to preserve in memory its most terrible times.

Lutz drops me off at The Grand on his way to work. I walk back to my hotel in West Berlin, through the historic centre of the city and the largely deserted Tiergarten. There are discarded condoms on one of the trails I use, which means it is a gay cruising trail, though no one is around at this hour.

Workmen are crawling on the scaffolding and along the top of the Brandenburg Gate doing repairs to its crowning statues. Beneath it, various street entrepreneurs are selling chunks of concrete, brightly coloured with spray paint, which they claim are pieces of the Berlin Wall. I take their claims with a grain of salt. In the streets of Rome scammers are still selling "pieces of the cross" almost 2000 years after the crucifixion, so..... I can even see the occasional spray paint marks on the street where fresh business inventory has been created. They are also selling Russian pins, crest and fur hats, which are probably the real thing.

Lutz has arranged to meet me again at Tom's Bar at the same time - 11:30. I find myself fantasizing about him in a way I haven't been doing with other men I have been with. If he is inclined to, I would like to spend the rest of my stay in Berlin with him. I like most things about him and we fold together so easily when we sleep, which is something I really love.

I find myself back at Mann-o-Meter, which I like because Toronto has no meeting place as comfortable and quiet as this in the earlier hours of the evening. I don't know if it's my new hair colour or my accent, but I am getting more attention than I have in years. Two men are clearly interested in me here tonight. One is Peter, a shy fellow about 30. He looks 'blue collar' and speaks very little English. He asks to meet me here tomorrow since I have plans tonight. The other fellow is Marcos. He's in his 20s and is working there as a volunteer. He throws himself at me openly with the indiscretion of a young man, draping his legs over mine, kissing me and rubbing my crotch in front of his friend. It scares Peter away, at least for now. Marcos wants to take me to another bar but I tell him I have other plans. His next volunteer shift in on Friday evening so I suggest I meet him here then.

When I get to Tom's Bar, I find Lutz with two friends, Rene who lives in his building and Sasha who lives in this area of the city. They take me to the Quartier Disco where the band Boney M is playing. The admission fee is a daunting 20 DM but I want to be with Lutz so I pay it. I try to show some intimacy towards him but he resists me, which is discouraging. He doesn't stay long either, as he has to get up early. He tells me he is going to a disco in East Berlin on Friday night and suggests, in an offhand manner, that I might want to come. Given his coolness, I am not sure I will – perhaps, if I cannot find something better to do.

When Lutz leaves, I return to Tom's Bar to drink away my sorrows and look for distractions in the dark room. I return to my hotel room alone, as I have most of my trip, but tonight it feels strange.


PHOTO 1: People passing through Brandenburg Gate
PHOTO 2: selling pieces of "the Wall" near the Gate
PHOTO 3: Brandenburg Gate in scaffolding
PHOTO 4: naked man in the Tiergarten (not the first time)