Futon wrestling

It started a week ago when my most recent romantic disappointment Randy spent the night at my place. He came over when his work ended at 8pm. I had dinner ready for him, we made out and cuddled. At 11:30 I needed to sleep as I worked the next day. He needed to snack before bed so I helped him get a bowl of cereal going. While I tried to sleep he went poking through files on my computer looking for porn. Finally at 1:30 I told him he had to come to bed if he was staying as I couldn't work with sleep. He obeyed and within a few minutes was snoring so loudly that I wished I had left his surfing for porn.

I retreated to the living room to sleep on my sofa-bed futon and it was there I got a small cluster of bed bug bites an hour of so later. That kept me up most of the rest of the night. I had a bed bug infestation last October and had to buy a new mattress and box spring set. I bug-proofed them with plastic slip covers and have been free of the little bastards since then, but not before I became fully cognizant of what their bites are like.

I thought the living room futon would be safe from infestation since it is rarely used and the bugs are primarily attracted to where people sleep. If the futon wasn't already too infested I needed to seal it right away, especially since I'd be sleeping on it 10 days later for a week when Brian and Dean arrived from Toronto.

So last Saturday I acted. I had it through the shopping crowds and construction zone on Robson to get to Sears and back to buy the slip cover. When I got home I spent half an hour just staring at the futon, wondering how I would begin, since my balance and strength are so tenuous now that I can fall over carrying a 5 kg bag or groceries. I needed friends to help me, I knew, but it would be better to get the cloth cover off first. I wouldn't want to keep them waiting while it was being washed and dried.

Clinging onto furniture and pulling at one corner of the futon, I was able to drag it onto my small living room floor. I braced myself on whatever I could while I reached down and unzipped the cover around three sides and was able eventually to free it from under the weight of the futon. I was wet with sweat by the time I got it off. I searched around the inner zipper and around the corners. I found one large adult bug but no signs of any nests. If there were any in the linen cover they would be killed by the hot water and heat of the dryer which they are very susceptible to.

Once the laundry was going I put my futon and pillows in the dryer on hot and called my friends. No one was home except my friend Fred who normally works at his restaurant job on Saturdays. I was lucky, he said, because he is off work due to a back injury. He was determined to come over and help me but I really didn't want him to hurt himself with the heavy futon. I decided to do what I could before he arrived.

I shook out the new plastic slip cover and opened its zipper. If I was very careful, I told myself, I would be able to get the first bit of the cover over one end of the futon. Even trying to squeeze between my furniture and the futon on the floor was a serious challenge, but after a few failed attempts I was able to get the cover over two corners at one end. I was soaked with perspiration again. I stood back feeling a bit proud and encouraged. Well maybe I could just tug the cover on a little further, I said. It was worth a try. I succeed a few inches on one side so I did the same to the other side. Then I rested. As long as Fred isn't here yet I could do a little more, I told myself and half an hour later, wet and exhausted, I managed to tug and wiggle the cover over the entire mattress and zip it up. The next step was easy: I grabbed a chair and scissors and sidled up to the futon to cover the zipper with duct tape.

That took about 10 minutes. I felt somewhat rested and further encouraged. Fred was taking loner than I expected so I dug the freshly cleaned linen cover out of the dryer and lined it up over the futon. I had no idea how I could possible get it on as it zipped on three sides. Well, I'll zip up the first corner and try to get around the matching corner of the futon, I decided. That worked. A few minutes later I had succeeded in sliding some of the cover under that end of the futon and zipping up that end. Inch by inch I slowly closed the zipper on the second side. I found a way to prop myself up against a low bookcase and lift the futon half way and tug the cover through. Pulling the cover under the futon enough to zip it up was the hardest part. It took several minutes of vigorous yanking before I could close it completely.

Now I really was exhausted. The only thing left to do was to lift the futon onto the frame, something I knew would be impossible for me even with Fred's help. It would be the best way for him to re-injure his back too. I thought about it while I rested. I tugged at it until it was lined up in front of the sofa frame and stared at it some more. Then I got the bright idea to sit in front of it on a chair and lift the near end a few inches at a time, then holding it in with one hand, shift my chair in closer. Step by step, I moved in closer and the end of the futon rose in front of me, then folded over on itself against the front of the frame.

Maybe, I thought, I could keep lifting it and pushing forward and the mattress would roll over onto the frame. It was much easier than I thought it would be. In only a couple minutes it was on top of the frame, but too high up. I tugged the bottom edge of the futon towards me and it slid perfectly into place. I stared at astonishment at what I had done. When Fred finally arrived I was beaming with pride and he was duly impressed.

That was a week ago and Brian and Dean have just arrived. Now if only the plastic cover works!! I'll find out tonight.