My nephew....

My nephew Richard contacted me last week after almost two years of silence. When he was 17 he moved out of my sister's home and a year later severed contacts with all branches of the family to build his own life without interference. For years he endured his mother's erratic and explosive behaviours, filled with threats, guilt trips and outbursts of temper. I know this side of her well, and have seen that her motives are often selfish and her treatment of others is frequently mean or malicious.

When she became pregnant with him at age 36 she never told his father, deciding that Rich would be better off without one. She raised him single-handedly, but not competently or with much kindness. She kept him under her thumb and tried to dictate his every move. She was constantly critical of him and he was on his best behaviour all through puberty while her menopause dragged on over the decades. She pulled him out of school at age 12, when peer groups are so essential, because she said he wasn't trying hard enough at school. Home schooling did nothing to improve their relationship.

At age 13, she kicked him out because he wasn't doing his homework, dropping him off half a block from my door with no money or spare clothes for a few days. Probably, she just needed a break but didn't know how to ask for support. She wouldn't speak to me about it, wouldn't tell me how long it was for or what I was to do with him. Instead of explaining her behaviour or apologizing later, she treated me with hostility. She sent a copy of her will with Rich, which made it clear I was to get nothing. Four days later she contacted Rich on his cell phone to have him meet her around the corner from my place but deliberately not telling me.

A couple months later she moved from Surrey to Langley without telling me. She has never invited me to see her home in the 7 years since then. She eventually let Rich return to school, but by then he had learned that she was unpredictable, and that he could not rely on her. She held his economic dependence on her like a sword over his head. She scolded, humiliated and threatened him frequently, often threatening to kick him out if he didn't do what she wanted. Once he aptly called her "Mommy Dearest" and she just lost it. Another time he locked himself in his bedroom and smashed everything he owned with a baseball bat for an hour or two. She was afraid to call the police I suppose for fear of what he would tell them. He told her that he did it to avoid taking the bat to her.

As he grew older an ice age set in between the two of them. She suggested they go to separate private sessions with a counselor, and he agreed until he realized a few weeks later that she wasn't going. She had only gone to one session and had told the counselor Rich was the only one who had a problem. From that the point on Rich realized there could be no reconciliation and began looking for the door.

Finally, one night it came to a head when he was trapped over at his best friend Matt's house by a heavy rainstorm (a "Hollywood rain" as he described it). She had promised to pick him up but then said she was too tired. Matt's family couldn't drive him home but they offered to let him stay over. Sis told him she wanted him to walk home in the rain anyway but he said he would come in the morning instead. When he got home she ordered to be out of the house by noon. He called her bluff, and Matt's parents, horrified by the torment he was always going through, helped him move out that day. They have acted as his surrogate parents ever since.

Her life has been a secret misery since then, but no one really feels sorry for her. She has betrayed most members of our family at one time or another. Richard isn't ready to let her back into his life, even after three years. When he speaks of his mother, the frustration and exasperation rises to his face. "I'm a very cool guy in all parts of my life. I never lose my temper except when she is around. She knows all my buttons and looks for every opportunity to push them. I just can't live with her anymore."

He had no falling out with me or his grandmother, but a year after he moved out I suppose he realized he needed a major vacation from family to end any indirect contact with my sister. But he came back as I knew he would eventually, and even insisted on taking me out for lunch. His "homecoming" with me came shortly after my own falling out with sis 7 weeks ago, after she sent me a racist, homophobic rant by the 60-Minutes anchor Andy Rooney, which she introduced with the comment "Isn't it wonderful that no one stopped him from saying this!" This, after I, her gay brother, loaned her $5300 last year, which she promised to return promptly, then quickly forgot her promise.

I was delighted by Richard's visit on Saturday. He has grown in the past two years since I last saw him. He is still thin and lanky, but taller than before and his face has become more adult-looking. He even sports a bit of chin hair. He definitely looks closest to my brother Rob, though a bit more handsome. More than his good looks, I was touched by his openness and honesty. He has a warm, kind heart and seems not to learned any of the many undesirable traits of his mother. He is such a together kid, wise for his age and with a well-polished sense of irony. He says he will contact sis again someday but that he is in no hurry.

We ate lunch at the Fountainhead Pub, and he even had a beer without the waiter asking for his ID. We shard a lot of family stories. He didn't know that Dad had committed suicide on my birthday 14 years ago, and didn't know that his mother had had a major operation in December 2008 to remove a grapefruit sized tumor on her ovaries that was first diagnosed as terminal cancer. He was a bit incensed that no one had told him but he wasn't talking to us and sis said she would contact him later when the disease became more critical. Afterwards, he played a couple games of
Settlers of Catan with me before driving back to Langley.

He promised to keep in regular touch, which I was pleased about. He is the only member of the family I will get to see now, as no one else can be bothered. Besides Mom, he's probably the only one I want to see.